That is why Piano Mok, a certified international etiquette consultant based in Hong Kong and New York, has focused her classes on teaching students how to dine respectfully and appropriately, no matter what setting they are in.
And while she is well versed in British, European and American dining – as is typical of many etiquette consultants – she also has a wealth of knowledge about Asian cuisines, including Chinese, Japanese and Korean.
Mok was first introduced to etiquette when she was in her mid-20s, after her mother persuaded her to attend etiquette school.
After going through a week of intense training – which covered topics such as how to make small talk, how to entertain guests, and table manners – Mok became enamoured by the subject.
She’s demystifying ‘amazing’ regional Chinese food for the world to enjoy
She’s demystifying ‘amazing’ regional Chinese food for the world to enjoy
“I actually loved it,” she says. “I was like, why am I learning all this at 25 years old?”
A year later, she decided to receive formal training to become an etiquette consultant, through the International Etiquette and Protocol Academy of London. She then launched Etiquette Explained in 2020, first hosting Zoom classes about basic manners for children before expanding into private lessons about dining etiquette.
“When you hear the word etiquette, people see it in a very strict, stuffy, snobbish way. I think that word itself has a lot of negative connotations … [and] feminists don’t like it – ‘Oh, this is how you have to behave,’” she says. “But I want to bring it in a very modern way with the psychology and history behind it.”
Among the different aspects of etiquette, Mok was especially fascinated by dining because of her love of eating and her previous work as an art consultant.
“In art we’re always taught that every piece of art, every sculpture, has a historical and political context … the artist is commenting on the time that they’re in. For me, when I see these objects, whether it’s a chopstick, a spoon, or tableware, I see it as: what’s the culture behind it? What’s the meaning behind it?”
Indeed, every aspect of a table setting has a distinct purpose and backstory.
Korean dining, for example, features cutlery made from metal instead of plastic or wood, which are typically used in Chinese and Japanese cuisines.
This is because in the past, Korean royalty would eat with metal – usually silver – chopsticks as the utensils would change colour if they touched any poisoned food. When the Koreans stainless steel industry thrived during the industrial revolution, it chose to replicate royal cutlery and began widely circulating metal spoons and chopsticks, Mok says.
In a Korean table setting, an elongated spoon is usually to the left alongside metal chopsticks, which is used to eat rice and stew.
“It’s longer compared to other spoons that we see in other cultures, because your posture is supposed to be upright,” Mok says. In Korean culture, it is considered rude to lift up your bowl when eating.
On the other hand, it is perfectly acceptable to do so when eating Japanese cuisine given that people tend to drink miso soup directly from the bowl without a spoon and eat rice with their chopsticks.
The type of chopsticks used for Japanese dining are also different due to the food served, she says.
“The Japanese one is more pointy at the front because they eat a lot of fish. So they use that more to break apart fishes. But in Chinese dining, it’s a lot of big pieces of meat, onions, green peppers, so it’s more blunt.”
Chinese table settings typically feature two pairs of chopsticks: one pair of gong fai (shared chopsticks) alongside a pair of personal chopsticks – which people often mix up. Mok explains that gong fai are always placed to the right, while the personal pair is placed to the left.
The purpose of having two pairs is simple: cleanliness.
“Ever since Covid-19, I think that the gong fai is a must,” Mok says, noting that they are especially useful when dining with people who you don’t know very well. “It’s about hygiene, because we’re sharing from the communal plate.”
Mok adds that the lazy Susan in Chinese dining should always be turned clockwise, and that drinking culture is a serious business in China – one that involves respecting hierarchy and “giving face”.
“For every business dinner, you should already know the whole guest list,” she says. “You give your respect or give face by drinking with them. That’s how you show respect in traditional Chinese culture, and you always have to drink with the elders first. [And] when you cheers, you have to go lower to show respect.”
While there are many differences in dining etiquette between Asian cultures, there are certain guidelines that apply to all.
You should only start eating when your elders have started eating, or have made a signal – Koreans, for example, will say “I will eat well, thank you” and then begin by using the spoon to taste the soup or stew.
Another general throughline is to pay attention and be respectful to your fellow diners, whether by serving them first, filling their cup or offering others the last bite.
“If you can show that to others, and others can show that to you, that’s what is most important. That’s what etiquette means to me, not like, ‘If you dine with the queen, you’re supposed to act like this,’” Mok says. “It’s about building relationships and strengthening bonds. You eat three meals a day – it’s so important.”
Through her classes, Mok simply hopes to educate others so that they can be better informed when dining out.
Usually, her sessions involve a full meal, where students can learn about the history behind the dining etiquette of different cuisines while practising various ways of eating.
She also collaborates with a variety of restaurants, and is planning a series that involves cuisines around the world.
“I’m not [saying] you have to do this, you have to use it this way, you have to do it that way. I’m giving you the information and you do what you want with it. It’s more about an interest, and I hope it’s useful for people,” she says.
“For example, if I were to eat with my boyfriend’s parents one day, or grandparents, I want to behave well. I don’t want to be lifting my bowl up and then they’re like, ‘What is this girl doing, [being] so rude?’
“There are so many differences in different cultures, but at the end of the day, humans are the same. We all just want to be loved, understood, heard.
“That’s what I think this is about – if you take the time to learn about another culture and respect their cultures and traditions, they’ll feel loved, heard, seen. That’s all humans.”
