“I would literally … I have my house, you have yours. We have the family house in the middle. I will go and sleep in my room. You go sleep in your room. I’m fine,” Diaz said. “And we have the bedroom in the middle that we can convene in for our relations.”
“Sleep divorce”, which is also known as “sleep separation”, is finding increasing acceptance among modern couples for a multitude of reasons.
It could be that one person’s snoring disturbs the other, or that two parents want to take turns handling their baby at night. One person may need uninterrupted rest at night because of a demanding day job.
How to help your child sleep better: baby’s crisis triggers mum’s awakening
How to help your child sleep better: baby’s crisis triggers mum’s awakening
According to Dr Himani Dalmia, an infant and child sleep counsellor in India, early parenthood is an unsettling chapter in a parent’s life that is often filled with sleep chaos and sleep deprivation.
“Babies wake up frequently at night and have nighttime parenting needs. In Asian cultures, where co-sleeping with babies and young children is the norm, this often means that families need to reconsider their sleep arrangements.”
Sleeping separately can create physical boundaries to prioritise individual sleep needs while maintaining the relationship
Dalmia adds that, as a sleep counsellor, she is seeing more parents opting to sleep apart.
“I practised it myself with my husband when our kids were young. It is a practical solution and helps everyone get optimal sleep and rest that is foundational for one’s health and well-being,” she adds.
One partner’s snoring or tossing and turning, disturbing the other, can also trigger disharmony, Dalmia says.
“For couples who struggle with incompatible sleep patterns, disruptive habits, or differing schedules or sleep needs, sleeping separately can create physical boundaries to prioritise individual sleep needs while maintaining the relationship,” she says.
“Sleep separation is in no way an indication of any marital discord or a ‘weak’ marriage. In fact, if the marriage is strong, simply sleeping apart for their own well-being, or for the kids’ sake, can be an indication of great teamwork.”
Stuti Agarwal, 35, a content creator and influencer in India, says she and her husband have been sleeping apart for five and a half years, each with one of their children.
“The decision was taken soon after my daughter was born in 2019 in Hong Kong. My husband had to leave very early for work while I wanted to sleep in till late because I’d be up the whole night breastfeeding my newborn.
“This led to a lot of tussle because I’d get disturbed while he switched on lights, ran the shower or opened the wardrobe to dress for work.”
If one is well rested, it also provides … improved mental health, as well as a better interpersonal relationship foundational to a good marriage
Eventually, the couple settled for separate bedrooms to allow Agarwal to wake up later in the day while her husband left early for the office without disturbing her.
I sleep with a snorer. Here’s my tale of frustration and how I cope
I sleep with a snorer. Here’s my tale of frustration and how I cope
The reel on her account, @mombae.blogger, has racked up over 20 million views. The influencer’s message resonated with many who said she validated their choice, as they too had been sleeping separately for years but didn’t want to make the choice public.
Others took a less sanguine view.
Trolls bombarded her with messages suggesting she was “glorifying” sleep divorce, or “chest thumping” over an “undesirable” arrangement. One asked: “Why did you even get married if all you wanted was a separate bedroom?”
Agarwal says: “Sleeping in separate bedrooms still has a social stigma attached to it, especially in Asian societies. Alarmed parents ask if all is ‘well’ with your marriage!
“However, only couples who have a strong marriage will opt for it, knowing full well that sleep deprivation can trigger cranky behaviour or other undesirable behaviour that can be ruinous for the entire family.”
Eye surgeon Neha Goel and her husband, who have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for over six years, say they chose this arrangement immediately after the birth of their twins.
“Twins’ behaviour is impacted by each other much more than other kids who are not twins. So if one cries, the other one does too and so on. Due to this pattern, none of us four were getting any sleep.
“So then we decided to not put them to sleep together in one room, but each of us sleep with one twin so that the other pair could sleep peacefully,” she says.
Goel says sleep is a neglected subject, especially in Asian societies. However, that is not so in the West. According to a survey from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, more than a third of Americans say they occasionally or consistently sleep in a different room than their partner.
Almost half (43 per cent) of millennials occasionally or consistently sleep in another room to accommodate a bed partner, as do one in three of those in Generation X, 28 per cent of those in Generation Z and 22 per cent of baby boomers, the academy’s survey found.
Sleep divorce allows individuals to prioritise their sleep needs, leading to increased energy levels, improved mood, and enhanced brain function, says Goel.
“If one is well rested, it also provides … improved mental health, as well as a better interpersonal relationship foundational to a good marriage.”
Despite the advantages of the non-traditional sleeping arrangement, however, some feel that opting for separate bedrooms can erode sexual intimacy among couples. It may also entail additional expense in having to furnish an extra bedroom.
Some couple counsellors warn that unless the decision is mutual, the partner getting the bedtime boot might have feelings of abandonment that could trigger resentment over time.
